Monday, January 7, 2008

The Web-Swinger


Man, when I’m right about something, I am Dam Right! Thanks to Rich at comic by comic for pointing out Spiderman’s new horn-dog makeover. I made a one-off joke about the whole One More Day thing really being about Spidey getting laid in this post here. Well, it turns out, YES, that IS the reason Pete is single now. As Quesada says in this part of his interview with CBR :
Bottom line, there are so many things that twentysomethings are doing with their lives that a married Peter can’t. He needs to be a single guy. Sure, he can have a girlfriend -- that adds something to his story -- but a married Peter just cuts off too many avenues for good soap opera.

…And Promiscuity! You have to admit you wanna’ see Spiderman bagging the babes and I think I do too. I just repressed it. I see the light now and realize that Joe is a total genius; the era of the spider-marriage is over. Long Live Spiderman the SEX-MACHINE! I bet Joe Quesada really wanted to call the storyline Brand New Lay, but of course that would hurt Marvel’s wholesome, family friendly image. But forget titles, just think of all the chicks Spidey can do now! I’ve kinda had a hankering for Spiderman to get busy with Jessica Drew for a while now. That would be some real hardcore arachnophilia!

After Spiderwoman there’s a whole list of women for Spidey to mess around with: Black Cat (the old GF thing), Sue Richards (the MILF thing!), Wasp (the massage thing), Tigra (the chicks with tails thing), Storm (the white-hair, black thing), Ms. Marvel (the drinkin’ F-buddy thing), Dazzler (the disco thing), Mystique (the shape-changer thing), Black Widow (the Russian, Spy thing), Northstar (Oh wait, I meant Aurora, Uh, I mean I was really drunk…), Jubilee (the underage, pervy thing) and She-Hulk (oh Man, that would be some great schmo action there!) just to name a few of the hook ups. Also, Marvel could really punch up the soap opera action by having Pete get a social disease. Think about it. Who did he catch it from? Who did he give it to? And How is he gonna’ explain to Aunt May that it hurts when he has to pee? And if Spidey’s lust life goes in the crapper altogether? No problem, we can always watch him download porn! I can’t wait for his reaction to 2 girls 1 Cup. Now that’s Drama! Way to go Joe! Let the Spider orgy begin!

Just Imagine a new Marvel/DC crossover now that Webhead is a player again!

-Swinebread

15 comments:

The Moody Minstrel said...

First Mattel had Barbie dump Ken for a "more rad" boyfriend, and now this...

OUR CIVILIZATION IS DOOMED!!!!!

Arkonbey said...

your list of potential Spidey women, coupled with the re-imagined Zastana cover, caused such mirth that my green tea nearly shot out of my nose.

Doctor Smoke said...

That last picture made my brain melt.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY NOW, MISTER!

*blubblebubble bblulbblbb...*

Dean Wormer said...

Hmmm.

In fairness - and this is going by the movies so be gentle - Peter Parker really shouldn't be with Mary Jane. He should be dating the girl across the hall that brings him cookies.

In the comics Mary Jane should be the one. Sorry the current writers aren't creative enough to deal with that. Perhaps "One Life to Live" or "As the World Turns" could use their services.

Doctor Smoke said...

I forgot about the cookie girl...

it would be quite cool if Sam Raimi did SM 4 and made Mary Jane leave or something, and Peter got together with cookie-girl.
Hell SM 3 was enough of a parody of itself... Raimi can take it all the way!

Dr. Zaius said...

"2 girls one cup" - What will the Republicans think of next?

I think Peter Parker should date The Girl From U.N.C.L.E. Yowsa!

Eaglewing said...

Ah, it all makes sense now! Marvel horn-dogged up ol' Spidey to get some new adventures. Yep, he's now ready to cut a swath right through the Marvel U (and apparently DC too!). So, Parker, with all the action you're about to get, remember: Don't be a fool, protect your tool. It's going to give new meaning to Homer's song - "Spider-pig, Spider-Pig, does whatever a Spider-pig does..."

The Moustache-ulus said...

I only snatched a glimpse of this blog entry, but unless Peter is a real Bush supporter, he should be called on the Carpet for his marriage to Mary Jane. Swinebread, you seem "wrapped in the folds" of this breakup of Spidey. I mean, rather than Douglas Adam's Salmon of Doubt, you appear to have embraced Spidey's "Tuna of Opportunity." Perhaps Marvel has left us all quivering with anticipation as we dive below the surface of the blankets of Peter's turmoil.

Swinebread said...

Moody – Spiderman bags the babes news at 11.

Arkonbey – Please don’t hurt yourself over this very serious subject matter.

Dr. S – Of course I am, that was part of my nasty plan all along.

Dean – Yeah but now Spidey can do the cookie girl, Mary Jane, Gwen Stacy, the 2 girls on the street, and every hottie that comes his way.

Dr. Zaius – 2 girls One Finger… Check it out… or don’t…

Peter should date the Girl from Uncle!

Eaglewing – He is the Spider-Pig, Homer is a prophet!

Moustache-ulus – I feel this is a problem that Peter can lick despite a mound of trouble. There will be good oral arguments made on all sides but the deeper issues will ooze out the truth as the story’s excitement builds. I am hard pressed and boxed in when it comes to Spidey’s determination but I know the inner sides of the women in his life will really feel his love for them. It will take a truly long lasting commitment to push it home, but an educated tongue like Peter has enough verve to get job done by word of mouth. Then we can all cerebrate with a big Hoo-ha!

Moustache-ulus said...

Well played.

Overdroid said...

Maybe they could do an alternate universe like Marvel Zombies and call it Marvel Singles.

Also, won't Spidey's radioactive sperm cause problems with all of those women (Or give them new powers)?

Lead condoms are in order.

Nick said...

...and I just got that horrifying video out of my mind.

THANKS A LOT *pokes*

Swinebread said...

OD - THey might like Marvel Singles you should give a ptich to them about it

As for the Spider Jizz, they'll just get cancer in 20 years

nick - sorry about that

Overdroid said...

I'll give them a ptich, bizzitch.

Swinebread said...

Wow, that's pretty street for a master computer.